Cancellation of the Dollar Menu Reviews

After much thought, a ton of heartburn, and a show about heart disease in American males, I have decided not to pursue an ongoing series about dollar menu items.  However, from the research I have compiled over the past three and one-half years, I offer the following:

$.99 will buy you a good burger, but you'll have to buy at least two of them ($1.98 worth, plus tax at 8.1% in Maricopa County) in order to become full.  

Best bets:  Burger King Whopper Junior (adding cheese incurs an additional $.10 charge, but can make the difference - recall my fondness for American cheese), Wendy's double stack, or Wendy's Jr Bacon Cheeseburger.  

If you like mayo and fried conglomerates of coagulated chicken parts, McD's has a good spicy chicken sandwich (although the lettuce they use leaves much to be desired) and Wendy's has a similar option.  Sadly, no one offers a good grilled option for $.99 that I'm aware of.  

If you must kill yourselves slowly with trans fats, at least enjoy what you're eating.  Happy hunting.

Irony: Part One.

Irony is: Buying a satellite radio and paying $14.99 a month for it's "Crystal Clear, CD Quality Sound" and then installing it so it plays through your FM Radio, just like any other (free) radio station. Genius. I'm sure there is an engineer somewhere, in a cubicle buried far beneath the Earth's surface who just laughs all day, day in, day out, about that fact.

Maybe not that funny, but I had to chuckle when it dawned on me the other day.

American Cheese

One of the many topics that I've considered writing about over the years is fast food.  The explosion of the dollar menu onto our fast food scene has opened up a new alternative to high cost fast food.  Now, instead of slowly killing yourself with a Big Mac (registered mark of McDonalds Corporation) or a Whopper (r), for only one dollar you can get a double cheeseburger from McD's or a Whopper Jr.  

One item of fast food genre that has never changed (thankfully, in my humble opinion) is the copious use of American cheese.  What, exactly, is American cheese?  To save time, go read the Wiki on American Cheese here.  [Footnote:  Seriously, who has time to create a Wiki on American cheese?  Regardless, I'm the unintended beneficiary of that individual's inability to date, thusly rendering him or her as the author of a world-wide accessible article on processed foodstuffs.]

Let's cut to the chase: I love American Cheese (hereinafter referred to as "AmCheese").  "How in the world could you love those homogenized, colored slices?" you ask.  Let me count the ways:

1.  It's ubiquitous.  You'll never find a store that is without AmCheese, in one of its many forms.  Whether in individually wrapped slices (usually for a dollar or less) or in slabs marked "Cheese" or something nondescript, this product is always available for use and/or consumption.

2.  It's wonderfully flavored.  It's not sharp like cheddar, it's not bland like mozzarella, and it doesn't offend my palate like Monterey Jack does.  Plus, what would a $1 double cheeseburger be with a slice of Monterey Jack on it?  The thought is revolting.

3.  It melts like a champion.  Regularly, I use AmCheese in my scrambled eggs.  I'm also quite fond of it as a topping to a breakfast sandwich.  Either way, it reduces to a gooey consistency that just makes my mouth stand up and cheer.  I challenge you Cheddar fans out there to a melting duel.  Cheddar ends up an oily, sloppy mess.  Not my AmCheese.  My AmCheese can beat up your honor student.

4.  It's low maintenance.  Again, whether in individual sliced form, or block, it maintains well.  You don't have to worry about it growing things like you do with a cheddar block, and it's never hard to cut.  Slicing cheddar is a chore.  Slicing AmCheese is a vacation.  Then you get to eat it, so it's like a being on vacation in Hawaii and getting a massage.  Then again, maybe not.

5.  It's American.  How more patriotic can you get than by eating a cheese named after your country?  Sure, those other countries have their cheeses (for example, France has Brie, Netherlands has Gouda, Italy has Mozzarella and Provalone (among others)), but they didn't name them after their country.  We did, and we should be proud of it.  Eating some AmCheese is the effective equivalent of saluting or covering your heart when you hear the Anthem.  It's just something you do as a citizen of this great country.

Next up: some Dollar Menu reviews.  

The Time Has Come

For  a few years, I've considered doing this.  I've considered finally allowing the zany, unrelated thoughts that pass through my head on a daily (if not hourly) basis to make their way onto the pages of a record for all to see and share.  

I don't propose to be a great writer, or even a comedian.  I'm simply hoping that someone else finds some humor in the way my brain works.  A "preponderance" of evidence, as we use that term in the legal field means that it is more likely than not that something did or did not occur, depending on the proponent of the claim.  It's like saying "51%" of the evidence favors one side or the other.  So long as 51% of this is funny, I've succeeded in my mind.  

Off we go.