The Silence is Deafening

Tip a Glass

Yesterday was Guinness' 250 year anniversary. So at 17:59 (5:59 pm) I raised a glass in honor of Aurthur Guinness.

Sorry this isn't funny. You'll live.

Satan, My Boy, Likes Skittle Mix!

(a/k/a the Fraiser Theme Song Played Backwards)

Boom Goes The Dynamite

Google Images is my dirty little secret. It's the best for formulating humorous taunts and responses. I recently went searching for the phrase, "Boom Goes the Dynamite." I found this:

Classic.

Anyways, here's the origin of "Boom Goes the Dynamite:" The worst sports announcing, possibly ever. If you want the good stuff, fast forward to about 2:20.

10,000 things you did not know about Chuck Norris.

And oldie, but goodie:

http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/

Breaking News: Obama Doesn't Like Beyonce's Video!

McBreakItDownForMeFellas

I'll admit: I'm a DJ Steve Porter fan. This guy obviously has a) a lot of skills with computers and DJ equipment and b) a wicked sense of humor. He caught my eye with "Slap Chop Rap" (which was my cell phone ringer for a while, much to my wife's chagrin), and then "Jam Wow" (equally as funky and addictive) and then "Press Hop" with my boy, A.I.

So now, for all you G4 Network fans (*cough* NERD *cough*): AOTS Rap.

Now THAT'S Marketing!

Here's a link to the way all used car ads should be written: for their intended audience.

Just in case the links goes bye-bye, here's the guts:

OK, let me start off by saying this Montego Blue RX-7 is only available for purchase by the manliest of men (or women). My friend, if it were possible for a vehicle to sprout chest hair and a five o'clock shadow, this Mazda would look like Vin Diesel. It is just that manly.

This third generation RX-7 was never intended to drive to the mall so you can pick up that adorable shirt at Abercrombie & Fitch that you have your eye on. It wasn't meant to transport you to yoga class or Linens & Things. No, that is what your Prius is for. If that is the kind of car you are looking for, then just do us all a favor and stop reading right now. I mean it. Just stop.

This car was engineered by 3rd degree ninja super-warriors in the highest mountains of Japan to serve the needs of the man that cheats death on a daily basis. They didn't even consider superfluous nancy-boy amenities like navigation systems (real men don't get lost), heated seats (a real man doesn't let anything warm his butt), or OnStar (real men don't even know what the hell OnStar is). Your amenities are POWER. Power windows, power steering, power locks, twin turbo power under the hood. The sunroof, original alloy rims, custom wood trim and spoiler are just icing on a delicious cake.

No, this sexy brute comes with the things us testosterone-fueled super action junkies need. It has a 255 HP rotary engine to outrun the cops. It has special blood / gore resistant tan leather upholstery. It even has a first-aid kit in the back. You know what the first aid kit has in it? A pint of whiskey, a stitch-your-own-wound kit and a hunk of leather to bite down on when you are operating on yourself.

With minor modifications this beauty can easily pump up HP to 300 and with less than 2800# weight it is blazing fast. Scary fast if not for the crisp handling and suspension. This RX-7 has a manual transmission so you can shift into first gear, slam on the 4-wheel disc brakes and spin around the corner while the terrorists fall off the cliff. The brand new Bridgestone tires will keep you on the road. It has saved my bacon more than once.

My price on this bad boy is an incredibly low $14,000, but I will entertain reasonable offers. And by reasonable, I mean don't walk up and tell me you'll give me $5,000 for it. That's liable to earn you a Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter-kick with a follow up three fingered eye-jab. Let's just say you won't be the prettiest guy at the Coldplay concert anymore.

There are less than 110,000 miles on this four-wheeled hellcat from Planet Kickass. Trust me, it will outlive you and the offspring that will carry your name. It will live on as a monument to your machismo. It has been meticulously maintained by the men in lab coats, garaged deep underground in a secret cave. It only has 20,000 miles on the new Mazda factory engine to replace the one that got shot out by The Man. It has never been wrecked because I'm a better driver than the bad guys.

Now, go look in the mirror and tell me what you see. If it is a rugged, no holds barred, super brute he-man macho James Bond stunt double, then contact me. I might be out hang-gliding or BASE jumping or just chilling with my ladies, but I will get back to you. And don't be scared by my area code, the car is local and just waiting for your admiration.

Addendum: Thanks very much for sharing this ad with your friends. However, I do really need (not want) to sell this car so I can go on my next secret mission. I offer $20 to anyone who forwards the ad to someone who actually buys the car. You can use the cash to start your own first aid kit.

Oops, I Crapped My Pants

George Brett is one heck of a storyteller, as you'll see from this auto-tuned ditty. The original video is funny, but not funny enough to warrant posting. You can find it at YouTube easily if you're interested. Otherwise, watch this.

Prude Alert: Contains Bad Words.

Oh Good Glory This Is Fun!

I love the smell of roasted duck in the morning...

Watch This, You're Gonna Love My Nuts

DJ Steve Porter has remixed a few of your favorite infomercials, and one press conference. Enjoy.

My thoughts on...

John & Kate Plus Eight.

I've watched a few episodes of this show. I've actually seen enough to witness the progression of their relationship (as represented by the show) develop from early on through the announcement of divorce.

I think the show is a good example of why communication, making date night a priority, and not marrying an obsessive-compulsive, narcissistic psycho hose beast is good advice for anyone considering marriage and kids.

Walmartians

Indeed, some of the best people watching is at Walmart, home of the rollback. So when I saw this homage to the greatest human zoo on earth, I had to share it with you fine folks.

People of Walmart

Revival

So this blog has sat dormant for some time. I guess it's time for a revival. All I want to do is make people laugh here. So give me the "thumbs up" if you like it.